마음

언니, 언니 메일 받고 한참이나 몇 번이나 읽고 또 다시 읽었는지 모르겠다. 


그러다가 결국 그냥 눈물 뚝. 언제나 느끼지만 어디에 있던 어떤 시간이던 계속 언니랑 연결되어 있는 것 같아 마음 한 구석으로는 꽉 차고 또 한 편으로는 내가 힘내서 기운차게 살면 당신도 어디선가 힘내서 열심히 살고 있을 거란 생각에 또 힘이 나기도 합니다. 


그냥 감추고 숨기려고 하고 있는 내 깊은 속에 있는 극도의 우울함이 언제나 당신과 또 다른 우리들을 볼 때마다 나오니, 여기서도 거기서도 우리의 삶은 여전히 예전과 같이 눈물 흘리고 있는 삶일 수 밖에 없는건가? 아직까지 그냥 씁쓸한 미소 짓고, 다른 관계들에서 웃으면서 즐거워보이려고 하는 내가 또 너무 안쓰러워 보여서. 


그냥 많이 보고싶다. 많이 아파서, 우리 너무 안쓰러워서. 꼭 안아주면 좀 더 좋은 에너지가 나올까 우리 같이 있다면? 저리도 못난 저들도 그리 행복하다는데 행복해죽겠다고 악악거리는데 나라고야, 우리라고 안될게 있겠는가 싶을랑가 하는 마음 반, 나는 그래도 다르게 살고 싶다는 마음 역시 남아 있고. 영원한 단독자일 수 밖에 없다고 했던 그대의 물병자리 해설만이 내 머릿속에 콕 박혀서 떠나지를 않는다. 그냥 이대로 받아들여야하는 운명인건지, 그렇더라도 난 벗어나고 싶다고. 언제까지 이렇게 살 수만은 없다고 매일 다짐해도 나아가면 다시 한 번 아픈 마음. 다 싫어져버리는 그런 못된 마음은 어떻게 해야될까. 제대로 살고싶다, 만약 제대로라는 게 다른 이들 처럼 사는 걸 의미한다면. 적어도 하루만이라도. 그러면 내가 어떤 게 맞는 건지 알고 그렇게 할 수 있을런지. 조금은 나도 별 생각없이 즐거워지고 싶다. 여기 있는 순간 만이라도. 

Nice to meet you, Istanbul!

The first impression from Istanbul is similar with the image from Dubai last time. I guess it's because of the mosque. In Islamic nation, there's mosque in every village, like there's church with red-lighten cross in Korea. But it's nor ugly like there, give some mood on the city. 

 I have had language problem. This is what i should overcome to make my dreams come true, travel all over the world. At least, I tried! Turkish people do not speak that much English as i thought. Had hard time when I try to get a ticket for metro, but fortunately I got one, and also successfully transfer to the tram. On the way to get the hostel, I passed so many nice buildings and spots what I've seen in the guide book. This is Galata Bridge, full of people who is fishing. (But I doubt whether they really can get fresh one.) But anyway, having ocean right in the middle of the city is such a cool thing.

It was hard to find my hostel, which is booked just before i arrived. (This trip was on the edge at all time!) Even if the direction sounds quite easy to find, I couldn't find it. I got pissed with all my stupid heavy luggage, and the language that I cannot understand. I didn't want to ask people for direction, (Because I think that's not what cool people do!) But at this moment, I required to do so. I did it several times. And finally a guy help me to find it. He hold my baggage, (at the time I suspected him to run away with it. Sorry, my bad) and asked many people about it and finally got it! And he left.

After put my stuffs in hostel,  I went out to get some food. I don't know what's wrong. I had meal in the airplane, but gets hungry again. Shit! I went out without any heavy baggage, which makes me feel better. And the hostel located in better place than I thought. It's near the Bridge, also near the tram station. And by my advanture, there're lots of cool places nearby the hostel.  

By the way, I got a terrace seat near the ocean. Again, hard time to order food. I was ready to pay, but not ready to choose food. Because I didn't know what to order, I order a food the most people in this restaurant order. But it wasn't good choice. I wasn't happy about the flirting waiter, little worried for my baggage I left. The only good thing was the view and sunshine. Should have be enough just as it is.

I still required to read the guide book. I hadn't had any idea about Istanbul til i get here. I wasn't ready to be a tourist. But I know that just look all the famous places, take a picture, and show people saying that I was here is not my type of travel. But I did my best to be cool about everything, and stay calm. Because the weather was so awesome!!

After lunch, I checked my baggage safe, and then start to wander on the other side of Istanbul from my hostel. Saw several Hookah places, mosque, the harbor to take ferry.   

And there're beautiful park near the ocean, so took a sunbath, enjoy the view or several thing. Most of all, even if I cannot remember anything, but the sunshine. I really wanted to go to Buyukada or any beach as soon as possible.

But the good thing is that I found the place to take ferry for Buyukada tomorrow very easily. And check the time, make the fee sure. How sweet!

And i finally get dolmabahçe sarayı, but there was such a long long line to enter, so I gave up to make it. Instead of get irritated by too many people, I chose to wander around. There're many people around the palace, and none of the tourist cannot enter without guide. Is it the way to keep your palace safe? I wondered.

And then I went back to hostel, finally made check-in. Take a shower, get some stuffs, and then went out again to check Taksim square. There were so freaking many traffics. And I got lost, which way should I go? Again,  I was not cool, asking people where to go, being a stupid tourist. And walked a lot on the hill. I couldn't find the transportation for Taksim Square. Stupid guide book. 

But I made it and saw that there's not special thing sure at the square. It is just worth as a symbol of the city or tourism spot. I just didn't like it with so many people. And Istikral street was just like normal shopping street in everywhere in the world. But try to follow the guide book. Get places which is marked on the book. So I had fired mussel, and kebab.  

And I was so upset about that there's a place which is selling fitflap with much lower prices. Shit. Checked traditional goods shop. Because I've been crazy about the oriental patterns thesedays, it was cool to do so. Got some pottery for mom, in my style.

Took a walk follow the street, find lots of cool places. The end of istikral street, passing the tram or something else, those area reminds me Monmartre in paris. Find a vintage shop on the corner, (never expected to see vintage shop in istanbul!) And the owner was cool. He said that he was a movie director but three years ago he start to run his own shop, (this cool chic one!) And also he runs a guest house up stair, but only for long-term staying. I got his card, and maybe I'll try to stay there later when I come back.

Kept walking, and saw the tower. It must be a Galata tower. But I didn't go up, it was just enough to see up. And there was exactly reminds me Monmartre. Ha!

the eye,  (I'm watching you!)

First day wasn't bad, but fast. And I've know that I never follow the book, but in this time it hits my head even strongerly. 

inspiration. That would be the all. What inspires you? 많이 와닿았던, 머리를 퉁하고 쳐버렸던 그런 말이다. 뭐가 너에게 영감을 불러일으키니? 평소에 그냥 시덥잖게 들었던 아이들의 그런 말치고, 재즈의 밤이어서 그랬을까 굉장히, 음 뭐랄까 머리를 한대 쿵 맞은 기분이었다고 할까. 곰곰히 생각했다. 어떤게 너에게 영감을 불러 일으키니?  그 모든 순간들을 사랑해. every single spot will be connected to your future. so remember this everytime. 어떤 것이든 그 모든 것이 다져져서 언젠가는 니가 될거야. 니가 정말 뭐가 하고싶은건지 한 번 생각을 해봐.

뭔가 미래로 연결되는 그 순간을 잡자. 매일의 시간을 흘려보내지 않을려구요.



내 보물들. 다들 너무 사랑스러운.
오랜만에 너무너무너무 즐거웠던 시간. 매 주말마다 나가지만, 오랜만에 재밌었던 시간이다. 생각보다 사람도 적었지만, but enough. 소심한 매츄도, 술 마시는 만큼 물을 꼬박꼬박 마시는 착한 jimmy도 너무 사랑스럽고, 혜경언니와 ferd는 그저 부럽고 꼬장꼬장하게 늙어가는 Julian도 웃기고, 스마트폰 사고 바보가 되어버린 craig도, 감동 잘하는 우리 연희 언니도 귀엽고 너무 좋았었는데 원래 떠날때가 되면 이런 마음인가? 모든 내 주변 하나하나들이 사랑스러워진다. 힘들었던것도 whatever, 하고선. 더 가지려고 욕심 안내고, 지금 내가 가진 이 사람들에도 행복하다.
내가 굳이 너에게 까지 인정받으려고 애쓰지 않겠어. 나는 그냥 나대로 행복한거같아. 이해받기위해, 사랑받기위해 뭔가를 하지 않겠어. 나 그냥 원래 이렇게 생겨먹었는데 어떡하니. 니가 나를 이해못하면 어쩔 수 없는거고, 난 그냥 원래 이런 사람이야.


엄마는 참 잔소리를 많이하는 것 같다. 그래서 막 짜증이 났었는데, 그러고 보니 예전에 아빠랑 둘이 지낼 때 나도 아빠한테 정말 잔소리 많이 했었던 것 같다. 아빠 미안. 그래도 또 달리 생각해보면, 그만큼 걱정하니까 생각하니까 그러는거겠지 하는 마음. 마음 쓰고, 내거라고 생각하니까 좀 더 좋아졌으면 하는 마음에서 그러는거야. 그때 매츄랑 relationship에 대해 이야기 하면서도 혼자 문득 느낀거지만. 나도 진지한 관계가 싫고, 세상에 쿨한 태도가 베이직이지만. 또 돌이켜보면 관계를 하면서도 늘 뭔가 바꾸려하고, 잔소리를 해댔던 것 같다. 그게 일종의 사랑의 표현인가? 집착이라 생각했는데. 사랑하면 바꾸려하는건가? 그대로 사랑할 수는 없는가. 더 좋은 쪽으로 변화시키고 싶은 마음인거겠지만, 그러면 그 사람이 더 이상 그 사람일 수 없게 되는거 아닐까? 그러고 보면, 주변의 커플들은 연애가 시작되고 나서 더 좋은 모습으로 변화된다. 연애가 잘풀리는 혜경언니는 나날이 예뻐지고, 대개의 커플들이 그러하듯 남자는 솔로일때 보다 훨씬 빛이 나는 사람이 된다. 뭐지? 그러고 또 변한 모습으로 서로에게 익숙해져가는거겠지. 그리고 끝이나면 그 익숙해졌던 게 사라진 것 때문에 아파하는거지? 그게 두려워서 난 아무것도 시작을 못하고 있는거고. 혜경 말하길, 그게 무서워도 그래도 계속하는 거라고, 계속해보라고. 계속 사랑을 줘보라고 합니다. 나도 사랑이 시작되면 더이상 쿨한 미래가 아니겠지? 음....................... 사실 당신들이 내가 쿨하다고 말하는건 다 내가 세상에 시니컬하기때문일거예요.  사실 나는 그냥 세상에 차가운 거라구요.

戀愛時代

Love affair, after we break up. 

To start again, it needs something to overwhelming.

(Is there anything between us, or between them....) 

Good person even though we break up, still you are such a nice person. (Do you really think it is possible?)

But even though they love each other, they can break up. But if they still love each other, love can come back between them. To love other is harder for girl. But guys usually misunderstand that they can fall in love with other and start newly. Finally going back, suddenly, it reminds me her. Maybe she believes he is going back to her. Whatever she thinks. Let's find MY happieness. Even though It is still hard to believe it, but always make me start again. The end is always LOVE LOVE LOVE.

Revolution

Today, the article about the revolution(pretest) of Libya in newspaper

made me remember, the guy from Morroco who i met in the Switzerland.

Remember... When I said, I'm from Korea, of course, he asked me 'South or North?'

And started to talk about his country, Morroco.

He said, Morroco has dictator as North Korea. So people cannot be rich.

Dictator actually like an emperor. Very similar as North Korea.

 So he know pretty well about the situation of Korean Peninsula.

That's one of the reason why he lives in Switzerland now.

Also he said, he envies South Korea, how rich they are or how much freedom you can have....

I saw the new, there was an protest in Morroco, too.

I know the difference between 'Revolution' and 'Pretest'.

Success or not.

How's he doing?

Revolution. Always make my mind cry.

 The Jamine is the meaning of upcoming spring.

Make them know how wonderful the spring is.